Here's the Thing...

I never noticed I said this until a good friend pointed it out. I have a tendency to start an explanation (especially an uncomfortable one) by saying "Here's the thing."  So, here's the thing...  The last few days have been extremely difficult for me physically and emotionally. I believe it to be a flare up of my MS.  For the second time in the last month, I have had an unsettling episode. This week being more severe. I know of no other way to explain it other than I feel like a curtain comes down around me. It is often referred to as "cog fog" and 60% of MS patients experience it. I can't think straight or concentrate, finish coherent sentences and I am super fatigued. I have only worked half days so far this week.

Since this is a newer symptom for me, it may mean that my MS has progressed. I am quite concerned (read - terrified) that the break from my MS medication may have repercussions. Unfortunately, there is no definitive way to know if the disease has progressed without an MRI. I imagine we will be scheduling one before long. I am restarting my medication tomorrow. I am hoping it will be a decent transition, but I can expect flu like symptoms. I have taken the next couple of days off work, so I don't have to make last minute work decisions based on how I am feeling. As the medication ramps up, the symptoms may vary in intensity so I will just have to see how it goes. On top of that, I am NOT at all thrilled by resuming self-injections. I confess I have a bit of a bad attitude about it especially now that there are oral medications available. The one my doctor would like to put me on has to wait there is no chance of getting pregnant (so, until after menopause or either my husband or I am are sterilized.) A tiny slap in the face considering recent events :(

One of the leading contributors to my MS symptoms are season changes (like spring) and stress. There has been plenty of stress in the past few months. And considering how I have been feeling the past few days, I know I have to make some adjustments.

I thought my 30 Day Ironman challenge would help me focus on something else and help me get through the disappointment of losing the baby and not getting pregnant again. And for a couple of weeks it did just that. However, I need to find another way to deal with my grief.  As Mother's Day and my former due date approach, I am trying to be brave, but inside I am inconsolable. It is not a good place to be.

As I have mentioned, the challenge has been on several levels - physically, mentally, time management, etc. I think ultimately it has become too much for me to do at this time. I can't take on that kind of stress and not be concerned for my long term health. 

I ran through various scenarios of how I could make my 30 Day Ironman work. The very last thing I want to do is quit. In light of my current circumstances, I have worked out this "solution." I am taking a recess. I will keep the record of my first two weeks worth of workouts and when the time comes to finish it I will pick up where I left off and finish the challenge in the remaining days. I will give my body a chance to recuperate and readjust to the medication.  

In the meantime, I plan to take walks and maybe work on my swimming technique without the pressure of pre-determined distances, schedules and timed goals. Hopefully, my body will allow that :) I confess I am a little mad about my recess. I can't tell you how much personal satisfaction I was getting out of doing this challenge. I wonder if you hear the foot stamping while you read this post.

The other big decision I have made is to get my mouth stapled shut!  Obviously, I am not going to do that, but seriously I have to find a way to bring my eating under control. I know what I am supposed to do...I simply don't do it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt the eating side makes the biggest difference in my weight loss.

Again, I can't thank you enough for all of your support and encouragement. One day, I hope to reward us all with some serious weight loss. Speaking of which, I am only up .2 this week. I will take it.