You Probably Already Guessed

When the blog is silent most likely it means the blogger is in trouble. I still have tons of pictures and stories that I want to share from our vacation, but every time I sit down to write or choose pictures I lose my mojo. I feel overwhelmed, guilty, tired, etc.  A good portion of the vacation I worked to be active and ate decently.  I want to share those successes, but now that I am not in a good place I feel like I have failed...again.  Hey look what I did...and now I sitting on my butt eating like I have a hole in my neck (my 2.2 pound gain this week would suggest otherwise). I still plan to share all of that vacation goodness, but I have to get my head back in the game. For the sake of "this stuff is hard" honesty, brace yourself for an emotional dump ahead....or come back next time for a hopefully more positive report.

Our vacation was a wonderful diversion from my "issues".  When we got back real life seemed to settle back around me. I want to be happy and carefree, facing everyday as a new adventure or opportunity. So I make plans to get it together.   In the past, I have made a "to do" list each day. It made me feel really good to see my accomplishments and to not forget random tasks that needed to be completed. Then I got out of the habit and got further behind. I buy pretty notebooks....with the intention of focusing on my plans. One of these notebooks (purchased this week) is supposed to be my running "to do" list.  Now if I could just decide which one....I am learning elephant...

It has been blazing hot since we have been home. I feel like the heat and humidity suck the life out of me and all I want to do is stay in air conditioning. I don't even want to leave the house to grill food or go to the gym. Yes, I know I could do workouts at home in the a/c, but I would rather veg in front of the tv after work. We made some changes in the bedroom that has made it even harder to get out of bed in the morning. My husband finally wore me down on adding a room a/c unit to the bedroom. Our house doesn't have the greatest insulation and the central air just wasn't keeping the bedroom cool enough. Then because he goes to bed early (in the summer it is still light), we put up room darkening shades. I seriously don't even see the morning coming anymore. Even if I set my alarm I don't want to leave my little nest. 

In addition to my MS aversion to heat, I am struggling with a few health issues. They aren't the biggest most tragic things, but they are bothersome and weigh heavily on my mind.  I have been fighting my skin forever it seems...something always itches. Over the winter, I had a spot on my arm that has turned into quite the ordeal. I saw my GP and she thought it was ringworm - OTC and RX medicines failed to clear it up. I would think it was starting to go away and then it rages back. I also have a patch of eczema on my hand that I saw a dermatologist for about 18 months ago. Not to rehash it but that whole experience was a frustrating waste of time. Anyway, I am still fighting that EVERY day. Now I have this other issue that I don't know what it is and it is driving my crazy. My GP has nothing, so I have to find a specialist, but feel very burned by my dermatologist experience. Obviously, not all doctors are the same, but I have never been a fan of going to the doctor and the thought of finding another one makes me crazy. Meanwhile, my arm gets worse. In a desperate moment I posted my cooties on Facebook. I got every imaginable diagnosis..from scabies to allergies to my beloved dairy.

Another issue I have that more directly affects my blogging is my eyesight. Old lady eyeballs are in full force and I need to ditch the readers for good and get some real glasses. The last time I got real glasses from the optometrist, they actually made it harder to see. I took them back and got a replacement pair. When they still didn't help the optometrist just chalked it up to I wasn't giving them a chance. I am now wondering if it would be better to go to an ophthalmologist and get a complete eye health exam. Multiple sclerosis can also manifest in the optic nerve, so that is always in the back of my mind when I have eye problems.  My point is, that blurry vision and difficulty reading print is affecting my desire to spend time reading and writing...that makes me sad.

Both of these issues really bother me on a day to day basis. So why am I sitting here frozen and not storming doctors' offices in search for the help I need??  Perhaps it is my lack of confidence that these issues can/will be fixed based on my past experience trying to have them treated. I hear you all screaming at the screen....."Try again!!  You have to do this!!! Get to a doctor!"  

July has been emotional for me on another front. This gets hard so bear with me.  Many of you remember my husband and I suffered a miscarriage a couple of years ago. My due date had been set for July 12. All the "what ifs" or "should have beens" are so much louder around that date.  I am not sure there is a way around this and I just have to get through it time after time, wondering when it won't hurt so much. This year there is a new layer of tears. Our foster children had their final courtdate that released them from DCFS oversight. (Our foster daughter went back to her family in January and DCFS follows them for 6 months after the last child returns home, unless court determines additional oversight is warranted).  I was completely enamored with our little sidekick and sending her home was extremely difficult. I got through it by believing we would have a continued relationship with her.  As I have mentioned, that has not happened - we have been completely shut out by her mother and partner. I was able to get little updates from our caseworker, but now that they are released that door is closed too. I don't say this to be one bit dramatic, but it feels like a death to me. I loved those children completely and now I have nothing but the memories. I was talking to a relative this weekend about missing them and her response was "you just can't get attached."  It is my firm belief if you don't get attached you are not doing your "job" as a foster parent. All children need to be loved and feel attachments in order to have the ability to have/make healthy relationships later in life - foster children even more so. There is a price to be paid and I have found it to be expensive. It is hard to come to grips with the loss and know there is nothing else I can do.

So all that to say, my mindset, affects my eating and my working out.  I have made half-hearted attempts to be healthy and fan the flame that was my on-fire June. This is some of what I am eating. Obviously I don't take pictures of the non-healthy options....

I got this salad from Walmart the other day trying to avoid eating out. It was okay, but again a bit sweet with the cranberries and a poppyseed dressing.

 I paired it with some bread and cheese....at least the salad made me feel like I was trying....

 Since I haven't been cooking much...I am leaning on sandwiches a bit more than usual.

My husband has been in a post vacation slump too with workouts and food, so I offered to get up and go to the pool him early one day this week. This is a 4:15a in the gym parking lot selfie.

I didn't have my June drive, so I was already out of the pool and taking pictures of him while he was still working to get his mile swim completed.

I felt good about getting up to do the swim, but my lack of drive kinda bummed me out. I just didn't get my full endorphin boost to get me through the day.

Despite the tone of this post, I am not giving up. Hopefully, sharing some of this emotional baggage will help me process and move another step forward. Not to mention, now you all know where I am so you can encourage me (aka give me a kick in the hiney). I want this to me something I can look back and say I got through it. I want to not just be a starter...I want to be a finisher.

And to end on a happy fun/note....yesterday was Millie's 4th birthday. It is hard to believe how quickly time flies by. I am not sure she enjoys her birthday photo shoots as much as I do, but here is her latest.

Checking the bag for presents....

To celebrate we took her for a ride AND ice cream

Millie even shared  with her sister....more than she wanted to.

I don't think Millie understands how cones work. She treated like a bowl.  I had to break it in pieces before she would eat it.

Wait! One more thing....my husband has decided to join the blogosphere.  He has done such a fantastic job with his transformation, I am excited for him to share his experiences. Please check out his blog Time Under Tension here.