You Probably Already Guessed

When the blog is silent most likely it means the blogger is in trouble. I still have tons of pictures and stories that I want to share from our vacation, but every time I sit down to write or choose pictures I lose my mojo. I feel overwhelmed, guilty, tired, etc.  A good portion of the vacation I worked to be active and ate decently.  I want to share those successes, but now that I am not in a good place I feel like I have failed...again.  Hey look what I did...and now I sitting on my butt eating like I have a hole in my neck (my 2.2 pound gain this week would suggest otherwise). I still plan to share all of that vacation goodness, but I have to get my head back in the game. For the sake of "this stuff is hard" honesty, brace yourself for an emotional dump ahead....or come back next time for a hopefully more positive report.

Our vacation was a wonderful diversion from my "issues".  When we got back real life seemed to settle back around me. I want to be happy and carefree, facing everyday as a new adventure or opportunity. So I make plans to get it together.   In the past, I have made a "to do" list each day. It made me feel really good to see my accomplishments and to not forget random tasks that needed to be completed. Then I got out of the habit and got further behind. I buy pretty notebooks....with the intention of focusing on my plans. One of these notebooks (purchased this week) is supposed to be my running "to do" list.  Now if I could just decide which one....I am learning elephant...

It has been blazing hot since we have been home. I feel like the heat and humidity suck the life out of me and all I want to do is stay in air conditioning. I don't even want to leave the house to grill food or go to the gym. Yes, I know I could do workouts at home in the a/c, but I would rather veg in front of the tv after work. We made some changes in the bedroom that has made it even harder to get out of bed in the morning. My husband finally wore me down on adding a room a/c unit to the bedroom. Our house doesn't have the greatest insulation and the central air just wasn't keeping the bedroom cool enough. Then because he goes to bed early (in the summer it is still light), we put up room darkening shades. I seriously don't even see the morning coming anymore. Even if I set my alarm I don't want to leave my little nest. 

In addition to my MS aversion to heat, I am struggling with a few health issues. They aren't the biggest most tragic things, but they are bothersome and weigh heavily on my mind.  I have been fighting my skin forever it seems...something always itches. Over the winter, I had a spot on my arm that has turned into quite the ordeal. I saw my GP and she thought it was ringworm - OTC and RX medicines failed to clear it up. I would think it was starting to go away and then it rages back. I also have a patch of eczema on my hand that I saw a dermatologist for about 18 months ago. Not to rehash it but that whole experience was a frustrating waste of time. Anyway, I am still fighting that EVERY day. Now I have this other issue that I don't know what it is and it is driving my crazy. My GP has nothing, so I have to find a specialist, but feel very burned by my dermatologist experience. Obviously, not all doctors are the same, but I have never been a fan of going to the doctor and the thought of finding another one makes me crazy. Meanwhile, my arm gets worse. In a desperate moment I posted my cooties on Facebook. I got every imaginable diagnosis..from scabies to allergies to my beloved dairy.

Another issue I have that more directly affects my blogging is my eyesight. Old lady eyeballs are in full force and I need to ditch the readers for good and get some real glasses. The last time I got real glasses from the optometrist, they actually made it harder to see. I took them back and got a replacement pair. When they still didn't help the optometrist just chalked it up to I wasn't giving them a chance. I am now wondering if it would be better to go to an ophthalmologist and get a complete eye health exam. Multiple sclerosis can also manifest in the optic nerve, so that is always in the back of my mind when I have eye problems.  My point is, that blurry vision and difficulty reading print is affecting my desire to spend time reading and writing...that makes me sad.

Both of these issues really bother me on a day to day basis. So why am I sitting here frozen and not storming doctors' offices in search for the help I need??  Perhaps it is my lack of confidence that these issues can/will be fixed based on my past experience trying to have them treated. I hear you all screaming at the screen....."Try again!!  You have to do this!!! Get to a doctor!"  

July has been emotional for me on another front. This gets hard so bear with me.  Many of you remember my husband and I suffered a miscarriage a couple of years ago. My due date had been set for July 12. All the "what ifs" or "should have beens" are so much louder around that date.  I am not sure there is a way around this and I just have to get through it time after time, wondering when it won't hurt so much. This year there is a new layer of tears. Our foster children had their final courtdate that released them from DCFS oversight. (Our foster daughter went back to her family in January and DCFS follows them for 6 months after the last child returns home, unless court determines additional oversight is warranted).  I was completely enamored with our little sidekick and sending her home was extremely difficult. I got through it by believing we would have a continued relationship with her.  As I have mentioned, that has not happened - we have been completely shut out by her mother and partner. I was able to get little updates from our caseworker, but now that they are released that door is closed too. I don't say this to be one bit dramatic, but it feels like a death to me. I loved those children completely and now I have nothing but the memories. I was talking to a relative this weekend about missing them and her response was "you just can't get attached."  It is my firm belief if you don't get attached you are not doing your "job" as a foster parent. All children need to be loved and feel attachments in order to have the ability to have/make healthy relationships later in life - foster children even more so. There is a price to be paid and I have found it to be expensive. It is hard to come to grips with the loss and know there is nothing else I can do.

So all that to say, my mindset, affects my eating and my working out.  I have made half-hearted attempts to be healthy and fan the flame that was my on-fire June. This is some of what I am eating. Obviously I don't take pictures of the non-healthy options....

I got this salad from Walmart the other day trying to avoid eating out. It was okay, but again a bit sweet with the cranberries and a poppyseed dressing.

 I paired it with some bread and cheese....at least the salad made me feel like I was trying....

 Since I haven't been cooking much...I am leaning on sandwiches a bit more than usual.

My husband has been in a post vacation slump too with workouts and food, so I offered to get up and go to the pool him early one day this week. This is a 4:15a in the gym parking lot selfie.

I didn't have my June drive, so I was already out of the pool and taking pictures of him while he was still working to get his mile swim completed.

I felt good about getting up to do the swim, but my lack of drive kinda bummed me out. I just didn't get my full endorphin boost to get me through the day.

Despite the tone of this post, I am not giving up. Hopefully, sharing some of this emotional baggage will help me process and move another step forward. Not to mention, now you all know where I am so you can encourage me (aka give me a kick in the hiney). I want this to me something I can look back and say I got through it. I want to not just be a starter...I want to be a finisher.

And to end on a happy fun/note....yesterday was Millie's 4th birthday. It is hard to believe how quickly time flies by. I am not sure she enjoys her birthday photo shoots as much as I do, but here is her latest.

Checking the bag for presents....

To celebrate we took her for a ride AND ice cream

Millie even shared  with her sister....more than she wanted to.

I don't think Millie understands how cones work. She treated like a bowl.  I had to break it in pieces before she would eat it.

Wait! One more thing....my husband has decided to join the blogosphere.  He has done such a fantastic job with his transformation, I am excited for him to share his experiences. Please check out his blog Time Under Tension here.

Birthday Weekend

This has to be one of the best birthdays on record.  My husband made plans to take me on an adventure around St. Louis. Although the plan fell apart a little bit, we found some other things to make it just as fun. Originally, he planned to take me to Forest Park. It is a huge park with several different venues within the park - zoo, art museum, lake, etc. However, I was watching the morning news and was reminded they were having a huge 4th of July celebration at Forest Park over the weekend. We had zero interest in fighting that crowd, so we audibled. .

Since I knew it would be a day filled with potential treats, I wanted to get off to a healthy start. While my husband was at the gym I took a walk around the neighborhood. Little dogs have no idea how little they really are. This guy was letting me know that it was his neighborhood.

Someone made a Little Free Library in their yard. I have seen them in parks or other public places, but this is my first residential sighting...great idea in a neighborhood with so many walkers. I didn't look inside this time.

 A little bit of Midwest tropics. I wonder how they survive the winter.

 If you are looking for your squirrel, I think I found it.

 Definitely not my speediest, but a perfect start to my birthday morning.

When I got home I made myself breakfast. After a week of oatmeal, it was a nice change to get back to my hash.

By the time my husband got home from the gym, I was "healthified" and ready to go. I know this sounds like a bizarre choice for a birthday adventure. Because we were attempting to avoid the downtown/fair traffic we kept to the south side of the city. When I realized that took us over the bridge right next to Jefferson Barracks Cemetery, I asked if we could make a quick stop. Spoiler Alert: We were there for almost two hours.

The gravestones go on and on, each one marking the grave of someone who served in the U.S. Armed Forces sometime in their lives. So many.

Not all the veterans served in combat and even fewer were killed in combat, but they were willing and they served. We saw the grave of one soldier who fought in Afghanistan. I looked up his name when we got home. He committed suicide...it breaks my heart.

There were quite a few deer in the cemetery. Apparently, visitors must feed them. Several approached our car...then walked away when we didn't hand out treats. The deer offered nice moments of levity in such an emotional place.

My uncle served in World War II in Europe. I never heard him talk about it. I think so many of our veterans have some awful war memories locked inside. My Uncle Bob was one of the best of men. He would do anything for anyone and was always tinkering with some project. He had a huge laugh. I hated anyone to call me Annie...except Uncle Bob.  

Since we spent so long at the cemetery we were starving. We headed straight to lunch - GPS took us on a quite the drive through areas of the city we had never seen. I had picked out this place a couple weeks ago. It is a Mexican and Honduran restaurant. I was super excited to have Honduran food. As I mentioned last week, I spent time in Honduras with the Peace Corps. Ironically, I did not have a good food experience there for the most part. I am sure it was because I was sick much of the time. Oddly, one of my favorite herbs, cilantro, was once despised by me and called "The Taste of Honduras". Yet, here I am many years later looking forward to our Honduran meal and lovin' cilantro :)

Honduran taco - chicken rolled up and fried - kinda like a flauta or taquito. It was covered in a slaw/salad that was slightly sweet. My husband was not a fan, but I enjoyed it.

The star of the meal for me was the pupusas. Tortilla filled with meat and cheese. The little bit of cheese that leaked out gave it the most delicious extra crunch. Fried cheese...sigh.  We had the most adorable waiter. He was probably 16-17ish, so polite and was working his buns off. He was also helping in the kitchen and proudly (yet shyly) told me he made my pupusas himself. I know it made them even tastier.

If you know my husband you know he was sampling the hot sauces. Don't worry he left some for the next person :)  On a related note, we agreed the salsa they served with the chips is our new favorite restaurant salsa. I wish I'd asked if they would sell me a bowl to go.

The restaurant had a little shop on one side. I noticed the name and bought it without really reading the label. Turns out it has nothing to do with pico de gallo as we know it. In Mexico, they sprinkle this ground chili pepper and salt mixture on fruit with a splash of lime juice. Don't confuse it with chili powder  (which includes other spices) - this is just ground chili peppers and salt. Sounds like you can use whichever fruits you like and their are other brands of the seasoning. Here is an example. I am eager to try it when we get back.

TMI alert - made a quick stop in the restroom before we headed to our next destination. I loved this little sign hanging in the restroom....it is how I feel about our little family.

Okay, this may be the craziest thing I have ever posted...you be the judge. I opened the door to the restroom and this is what I first saw. My mind immediately started racing "what kind of toilet is that??  I am not using that? Composting toilet?  What? "  Thankfully, I turned to the left and saw an actual toilet and my brain finally registered that  this was just the trash can :)

Our final stop on our adventure - a sculpture park. It was my idea to replace the art museum we were avoiding because of the 4th of July fair with this park. I'd been here years ago when the symphony had a summer of free concerts in area parks.

By the time, we got there it was really hot, but we did make a quick trip around to give a little side-eye to some of the "art" pieces.

Speaking of eyes...

 I like it, but does that make it art.

 Looks like my husband better get back to the gym...didn't even budge.

I loved this idea of being able to check out a book to use while you are in the park.

It wasn't the original plan, but we had a great time together. It just made me more excited for our upcoming adventure.

The day ended with a trip to the farm for dinner and birthday brownies. My MIL even made them into a cute cake for me :)

It truly was one of the nicest birthdays I have ever had.

Sunday was another good day. I picked our first tomato. Thanks for leaving me one, you crazy varmints. Of course, it got its own photo shoot :)

There were many birthday calories to be worked off and I was super excited to have the pool all to myself the whole time!!  I upped the number of laps from 10 to 12 (for both swimming and walking).

Later in the afternoon I watched a little swimming. I imagine this is exactly how I looked at the pool :)  I saw one swimmer get DQ'd in the 400 IM for making her turn on her back. It cost her a place on the national team.

In the evening, we went to my sister's house for a catchall family birthday BBQ.  (I took a big bowl of grilled veggies.) We have many June/July birthdays and decided to do one party. The other day, I became aware of a new summer craze. People are painting rocks and hiding them around town for others to find. I have a crazy supply of craft paint and my sister has a pile of landscaping rock...so we decided to join the fun.

Now we need to hide them. There is a local Facebook group where people can post clues to where they are hiding rocks and/or post pictures of their finds.  Let me know if they are doing this in your area.

You all know I love my chips, but I am trying to limit my consumption. I couldn't resist these at Aldi's the other day - good thing I had a party to go to and could share them. I could have sat on the couch and eaten the whole bag by myself. I thought they tasted like a really great mushroom soup. I also got a horseradish cheddar flavor that was tasty. My niece's husband commented that he likes that I bring weird food to parties :)

Monday was back to work. Originally, I'd planned to take it off, but changed my mind to save another vacation day for out trip. I kept breakfast super simple, but super delicious - peanut butter and banana on wheat. Just writing about this now makes me want to go make one. Maybe for lunch.

After work, it was back to my Double Light workouts. To save space in this giant post, I am sharing a couple videos instead of all the pictures we took :)  You will no doubt notice I am working out in PJ pants. I guess it is a good thing when all your workout clothes are dirty. But being the super dedicated exerciser I am I just grabbed the PJ pants and got it done. I even used some heavier weights on some of the exercises...PJ Power!!

Whew!  You made it to the end!!!  There were more indulgences on my birthday weekend than I had told myself there would be, but I am proud that I got in a walk and a couple good workouts. I also ate some solid healthy meals at least half the time and didn't allow a total free-for-all.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday!!