You Probably Already Guessed

When the blog is silent most likely it means the blogger is in trouble. I still have tons of pictures and stories that I want to share from our vacation, but every time I sit down to write or choose pictures I lose my mojo. I feel overwhelmed, guilty, tired, etc.  A good portion of the vacation I worked to be active and ate decently.  I want to share those successes, but now that I am not in a good place I feel like I have failed...again.  Hey look what I did...and now I sitting on my butt eating like I have a hole in my neck (my 2.2 pound gain this week would suggest otherwise). I still plan to share all of that vacation goodness, but I have to get my head back in the game. For the sake of "this stuff is hard" honesty, brace yourself for an emotional dump ahead....or come back next time for a hopefully more positive report.

Our vacation was a wonderful diversion from my "issues".  When we got back real life seemed to settle back around me. I want to be happy and carefree, facing everyday as a new adventure or opportunity. So I make plans to get it together.   In the past, I have made a "to do" list each day. It made me feel really good to see my accomplishments and to not forget random tasks that needed to be completed. Then I got out of the habit and got further behind. I buy pretty notebooks....with the intention of focusing on my plans. One of these notebooks (purchased this week) is supposed to be my running "to do" list.  Now if I could just decide which one....I am learning elephant...

It has been blazing hot since we have been home. I feel like the heat and humidity suck the life out of me and all I want to do is stay in air conditioning. I don't even want to leave the house to grill food or go to the gym. Yes, I know I could do workouts at home in the a/c, but I would rather veg in front of the tv after work. We made some changes in the bedroom that has made it even harder to get out of bed in the morning. My husband finally wore me down on adding a room a/c unit to the bedroom. Our house doesn't have the greatest insulation and the central air just wasn't keeping the bedroom cool enough. Then because he goes to bed early (in the summer it is still light), we put up room darkening shades. I seriously don't even see the morning coming anymore. Even if I set my alarm I don't want to leave my little nest. 

In addition to my MS aversion to heat, I am struggling with a few health issues. They aren't the biggest most tragic things, but they are bothersome and weigh heavily on my mind.  I have been fighting my skin forever it seems...something always itches. Over the winter, I had a spot on my arm that has turned into quite the ordeal. I saw my GP and she thought it was ringworm - OTC and RX medicines failed to clear it up. I would think it was starting to go away and then it rages back. I also have a patch of eczema on my hand that I saw a dermatologist for about 18 months ago. Not to rehash it but that whole experience was a frustrating waste of time. Anyway, I am still fighting that EVERY day. Now I have this other issue that I don't know what it is and it is driving my crazy. My GP has nothing, so I have to find a specialist, but feel very burned by my dermatologist experience. Obviously, not all doctors are the same, but I have never been a fan of going to the doctor and the thought of finding another one makes me crazy. Meanwhile, my arm gets worse. In a desperate moment I posted my cooties on Facebook. I got every imaginable diagnosis..from scabies to allergies to my beloved dairy.

Another issue I have that more directly affects my blogging is my eyesight. Old lady eyeballs are in full force and I need to ditch the readers for good and get some real glasses. The last time I got real glasses from the optometrist, they actually made it harder to see. I took them back and got a replacement pair. When they still didn't help the optometrist just chalked it up to I wasn't giving them a chance. I am now wondering if it would be better to go to an ophthalmologist and get a complete eye health exam. Multiple sclerosis can also manifest in the optic nerve, so that is always in the back of my mind when I have eye problems.  My point is, that blurry vision and difficulty reading print is affecting my desire to spend time reading and writing...that makes me sad.

Both of these issues really bother me on a day to day basis. So why am I sitting here frozen and not storming doctors' offices in search for the help I need??  Perhaps it is my lack of confidence that these issues can/will be fixed based on my past experience trying to have them treated. I hear you all screaming at the screen....."Try again!!  You have to do this!!! Get to a doctor!"  

July has been emotional for me on another front. This gets hard so bear with me.  Many of you remember my husband and I suffered a miscarriage a couple of years ago. My due date had been set for July 12. All the "what ifs" or "should have beens" are so much louder around that date.  I am not sure there is a way around this and I just have to get through it time after time, wondering when it won't hurt so much. This year there is a new layer of tears. Our foster children had their final courtdate that released them from DCFS oversight. (Our foster daughter went back to her family in January and DCFS follows them for 6 months after the last child returns home, unless court determines additional oversight is warranted).  I was completely enamored with our little sidekick and sending her home was extremely difficult. I got through it by believing we would have a continued relationship with her.  As I have mentioned, that has not happened - we have been completely shut out by her mother and partner. I was able to get little updates from our caseworker, but now that they are released that door is closed too. I don't say this to be one bit dramatic, but it feels like a death to me. I loved those children completely and now I have nothing but the memories. I was talking to a relative this weekend about missing them and her response was "you just can't get attached."  It is my firm belief if you don't get attached you are not doing your "job" as a foster parent. All children need to be loved and feel attachments in order to have the ability to have/make healthy relationships later in life - foster children even more so. There is a price to be paid and I have found it to be expensive. It is hard to come to grips with the loss and know there is nothing else I can do.

So all that to say, my mindset, affects my eating and my working out.  I have made half-hearted attempts to be healthy and fan the flame that was my on-fire June. This is some of what I am eating. Obviously I don't take pictures of the non-healthy options....

I got this salad from Walmart the other day trying to avoid eating out. It was okay, but again a bit sweet with the cranberries and a poppyseed dressing.

 I paired it with some bread and cheese....at least the salad made me feel like I was trying....

 Since I haven't been cooking much...I am leaning on sandwiches a bit more than usual.

My husband has been in a post vacation slump too with workouts and food, so I offered to get up and go to the pool him early one day this week. This is a 4:15a in the gym parking lot selfie.

I didn't have my June drive, so I was already out of the pool and taking pictures of him while he was still working to get his mile swim completed.

I felt good about getting up to do the swim, but my lack of drive kinda bummed me out. I just didn't get my full endorphin boost to get me through the day.

Despite the tone of this post, I am not giving up. Hopefully, sharing some of this emotional baggage will help me process and move another step forward. Not to mention, now you all know where I am so you can encourage me (aka give me a kick in the hiney). I want this to me something I can look back and say I got through it. I want to not just be a starter...I want to be a finisher.

And to end on a happy fun/note....yesterday was Millie's 4th birthday. It is hard to believe how quickly time flies by. I am not sure she enjoys her birthday photo shoots as much as I do, but here is her latest.

Checking the bag for presents....

To celebrate we took her for a ride AND ice cream

Millie even shared  with her sister....more than she wanted to.

I don't think Millie understands how cones work. She treated like a bowl.  I had to break it in pieces before she would eat it.

Wait! One more thing....my husband has decided to join the blogosphere.  He has done such a fantastic job with his transformation, I am excited for him to share his experiences. Please check out his blog Time Under Tension here.

New Things to Make Me Smile

About a month or so ago I discovered jersey swing dresses at Old Navy. After buying the first one at the store for $26.94, I found them on their website for $15 and bought three more! I love how they fit in the bodice and then skim over the lower body "issues." I admit, I love how they swish when I walk. I also bought a couple lightweight sweaters to wear over them so I could wear them to work. I didn't really want to cut off my head in the pics, but I wanted to show my shoes and that was my only way to do it.

I do have flats I usually wear with dresses for work, but since I have been doing so much cleaning and moving stuff the tennis shoes are more practical. I realize a dress doesn't seem good cleaning wear, but the dresses are super comfortable and easy to move in. Not to mention the upstairs of our building where I have been working is not well air conditioned. The dresses are much cooler than pants.

Remember I said I have been taking my lunch to work and have been really good about not eating out unless invited by someone else. Well, I got invited out again yesterday :)  Both the Shrimp PoBoy and fish stew were very good and I didn't feel badly about eating them.

Today it was back to my packed lunch.  No complaints about this lunch either.

And because I said I would, here is another picture of "the hash".  This time you get to see it after the egg is mixed in. I had it for dinner tonight and it was perfect :)

Double Light

Wednesday -  Strength training mostly with dumbells...at least it was a break from "body weight" exercises.

The final exercise in the circuit was the figure 8s. Lie on your back and raise your feet. Feet then move around in a figure 8 pattern. Please ignore any grunting :)  Circuit was repeated twice.

Thursday - If I had a nickel for every time I said "I can't" during tonight's workout...I'd have a bunch. My trainer kept reminding me that I could and ultimately, I did. This "punches and crunches"workout started out pretty shaky. I could not get the rhythm of the shadow boxing...hands and feet moving in different directions...and breathing. That is a bit much to ask of my completely uncoordinated and out of shape self. I don't know how many times my trainer demonstrated. I was getting pretty frustrated, but he got me through it. Not saying it was pretty, but I think I got something kinda resembling shadow boxing. At one point, he said I must be mad cause I was hitting his hands pretty hard...sorry, honey...I mean Mr. Trainer.  So 30 seconds of shadow boxing were followed immediately by 30 seconds of crunches...at least I got to lie on the floor for those.  Then one minute rest and repeat for a total of 5 circuits. I think this would be a good challenge for anyone reading to try at home. It kicked my butt.

Quick avert you eyes...this is a pretty unpleasant picture of my crunching. I seriously need to work on my workout face. So many unusable pictures (all of the boxing pics). I am not super excited that this is my trainer's view while I am working out, but again awesome "before" picture, right?  My trainer also nicely reminded me that crunches will get easier when there is less belly. In the meantime, my abs of steel are well camouflaged.

I think this was the final crunch. It took me a minute to get up and pull myself together. I grabbed this outfit at Walmart on my way home from work. I've been frying working out in the black capris and I have to give that poor purple shirt a break sometimes.

I was much happier when it was finally over. Tonight my trainer said I am a good trainee...except for during the workout. At least, I think we have found our "meet in the middle" spot with my attitude and his expectations.

Note to trainer: If you happen to be reading this I would like to limit the sneaky squats. I read ahead on my schedule and I don't see them. Then we start the workout and you say "okay do this....while squatting"...WHAT???!  You say it is because the gluteous maximus is the biggest muscle and working it will burn more calories...okay maybe, but... . Also, it is slightly unprofessional to try to kiss your client while she is working out (even if  she is doing an amazing job). Also, grabbing her buns is a tad unprofessional too.  However, she will probably let  both of those things slide cause you are so darn cute ;)

After tonight's workout I met a new friend for a walk around the neighborhood. She and her husband were in our foster parent training class. Her son was in our foster daughter's pre-school class. She got her her first placement shortly before ours went home. We've kept in touch over Facebook and saw each other at pre-school events. Tonight was the first time we've gotten together. It was fun to walk and talk with someone who has been riding the foster care roller coaster too. And...almost three miles!

Ignore the time. I admit we didn't walk super fast. She was pushing a stroller too. However, part of the time was us standing talking after the walk. I didn't stop my Garmin until I got home.

Good news I got my Friday workout done already so it is a Double Light rest weekend for me - woohoo!!  However, don't let me come back here Monday and tell you how I didn't do any walking.

What do you have planned for this weekend?  Want to try "punches and crunches"??

In a Year

This past year has been completely surreal. Sometimes I feel like it never happened and other times I feel like I am still in the middle of it. One year ago we received our first foster care placement - a 3.5 year old girl and her 10 month old brother. Even though we had been through the classes and thought we were prepared, nothing can prepare you for the real thing. My husband and I have never been parents and still haven't. It is the strangest thing to love and do everything a mom would do for someone, but never be "mom".

We pretty much knew shortly after they arrived that they would be reunified with their mother and we supported that goal wholeheartedly. No matter what we thought of their family situation it was completely out of our hands - we just continued to care for and love the little ones while their future played out in DCFS offices and courtrooms.

Yes, it happened pretty much as I predicted in this post. After her brother went home she and I bonded even more. She was undoubtedly my little sidekick. We loved our time in the kitchen together...it didn't matter if she was icing cupcakes are tearing apart broccoli florets she was all in. Okay, maybe she was there to lick beaters and bowls :)  She was terrified of dogs when she arrived - literally hanging on to the door frame for dear life when she arrived because she saw Zommie (our dachshund). Fortunately, she came around and also accepted and came to adore Millie. I still laugh thinking about her tiny 35 pound self bossing around 85 pounds of "Middie." I feel like I have a sidekick story for every aspect of our daily life. My husband and I often quote her. She is a part of us.

After almost 9 months she too returned home and she most definitely took my heart with her.  We have been back to a household of two for a few months, but there is not a day that does by that I don't miss those little faces. We made a sincere effort to establish a relationship with mom. I wrote her letters almost every week and sent stacks of pictures. After the little guy went home we exchanged texts, pictures and even some phone calls. When she went home we texted a little and even made some plans to meet up (both times they cancelled). Then the texts and calls stopped. It has been complete silence since late February. Part of me understands and the other part of me does not understand what happened. Maybe someday contact will resume, maybe some day we will see them again, Maybe. Someday.

Where do we go from here you might wonder?  We wonder too. We have had a few calls for new placements but for varying reasons we have not accepted one yet. After our experience this past year I think we realize that what we really want is to foster to adopt. Of course, the goal is always reunification...until it is not. When they make those initial calls to place children they have very limited information. You are making a life-altering decision based on a whole lot of nebulous information. Chances are we could get our hearts broken again, but as they say there are no guarantees in life.

No Ceremony Here

I have decided I really want to get back to blogging and I think I have found a little trick that might make it a bit more manageable. One of the biggest issues I have now that we are fostering is time. I take most of my blog pictures with my phone and then had to go through the whole process of transferring them to my computer and then uploading them to my blog. It was cumbersome and time consuming. So while driving today it hit me - can't I just upload the pics for a post directly from my phone? Then all I have to do is hop on my PC to write the actual text of the blog. I am never going to be decent and typing on my phone so I still have to do a combo. Why didn't I think of this sooner?

So here I am back again. I am NOT making any grandiose plans or declarations. I am just picking up where I am in the moment and we will go from there. I am hopeful some of my old followers are still out there and we can reconnect.

A quick foster care update. We have had a 4 year old girl since May. We also had her brother with us, but  he returned home about a month ago (he was 14 months old when he left). It was a huge surprise to us when the courts sent him back home - never dreamed they would be separated. It was super hard to see him go, but we have settled into a good routine. I won't deny it is much simpler with one, especially when the second was quite needy. We have so many fun memories with him - a ton of pictures and videos. One of my favorite memories is when he learned to walk. Those first precious weeks of Frankenstein steps and the sheer joy on his face as he found a new freedom. We don't know for sure how much longer we will have Minnie - at least three more months and then we will see. No doubt she will tear my heart out and take it with her. I try not to think about it too much. I am focused on keeping her happy and healthy until then - enjoying the adventure that is life with a sweet, funny, smart, adorable, rambunctious 4 year old.

Update on the "weight loss" or in my case "weight gain". I am not at an all time high, but I have gained back all that I had lost (and a few extra) since I started the blog. My husband did too :(  He got himself together back in July and has lost about 40 pounds - I swear it drops off him. To be fair he is consistent and does the work.

Last weekend we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. It was so good to have a day alone to really reconnect with each other. We spent some time at the art museum. It was fun to see what caught each others' attention (good or bad). Contemporary art...I just don't get it. We had lunch at a taco joint. It was an ideal meal for me...love tacos and love variety. All the tacos were a la carte so you could mix and match. We tasted almost all of them. My favorite was a shrimp taco with mango salsa and a hops aioli. I almost didn't order it cause I am not a mango or beer fan. Glad the waitress recommended it. The only one I didn't like was the portabello mushroom and goat cheese taco. I have finally accepted that I just don't like goat cheese. As much as I want to every time I get it in something, I don't enjoy the dish. I loved this meal too for its color and variety of fresh ingredients. We didn't leave with overloaded tummies and a funky greasy after taste. We will definitely go back.

I am technically on Day 3 of my "recommittment." All that I am asking of myself is for 10 days is to track my food (good or bad) and exercise 20 minutes a day. So far I am doing okay. The biggest reason I am doing the 10 days is to break my cycle of sloth and stuffing my face. Seriously it was ridiculous. Once I get through the 10 days I will re-evaluate and decide how to proceed.

This morning I made some soup from the leftover chicken/sauce from our Salsa Verde Chicken Tostadas (or toast-a-tatos as they are pronounced in our house now.) The chicken is cooked in the crockpot with a jar of salsa verde. I saved all the juice and little bits of shredded chicken for the base. I added some chicken broth, zucchini, onions and jalapeno. I grilled up a couple of corn tortillas and cut them into strips. I will toss them in the bowl after I heat up the soup. I love meals with leftovers that can be reinvented into another meal. Soups are a pretty ideal way to do that. And now that the weather is cooling off let the soup adventures begin.

Lunch update:  It isn't the most colorful meal, but it was tasty. It was a bit saltier than I would like - I didn't check if the broth was reduced sodium, plus the salt of the canned salsa verde was a bit more than I like. I do wish I had remembered some fresh cilantro to sprinkle on top.

There is so much more that I want to say, but if I try to say it all I will never post anything. There may be a thing or two I revisit and share from my time away, but for now I am letting this be my start back.

I hope all is well in your world :)

Quick Check In

I hope to write a real post soon, but in case this week swallows me alive I wanted to at least say good-bye :)  In all seriousness, work has been crazy busy and we are working on a big project at home. I won't be able to discuss details on this blog for confidentiality reasons, but my husband and I are in the final phase of becoming licensed foster parents. We have taken classes, had background checks and filled out stacks and stacks of paperwork on every subject imaginable. Our final home inspection is scheduled for a week from tomorrow. My craft room is becoming a child's (or two) room. Remember how happy I was about setting it up last summer? That didn't last long :)  We are excited and nervous as we move forward on this adventure.

In the meantime, I am still working on my weight loss. This week I am happy to report a 1.6 pound loss. I have also continued to track my food and post pictures of what I am eating on the Food Log page.

Better get back to it.....