This quote seems to be popping everywhere in my world recently. Maybe someone is trying to tell me something. Or maybe it is all over social media because it just speaks to so many of us who are working through this journey. The application goes far beyond weight-loss.
I had been enjoying greater self-confidence with the success I had been having. I was losing weight, getting fitter, and loving my new blog-life. Now I am just plain frustrated. My weight is up and I am struggling to keep it from going up more.I am not getting in the exercise. And my blogging is sporadic. Then rises the fear that not only am I not going forward, but even worse, I am losing all that I have gained in the past year.
I feel weak. Maybe I just can't do this for the long run. I know a great portion of my current eating/weight struggle is a result of the emotional and physical "trauma" I have been through in the last two months, but I fear letting it become an excuse. I don't want to look back in a couple years and remember when I lost that weight and then gained it all back. I don't want to lose that great group of blogging friends I used to know before I guiltily slunk back to the sidelines.
This year, I wanted to go into the holidays focused on maintaining my loss while enjoying some of the treats of the season. Sure it would be great to lose weight over the holidays, but I thought if I kept up with the exercise and just maintain I would be okay with that. Here it is December 5 and that is not happening. I have gained a few pounds and am struggling to not gain more. I feel like I "should" be doing everything in my power to get back to my low. Therefore, I am not "enjoying" the treats of the season. I am feeling that old familiar "holiday guilt" settling on me. The voice in my head is saying things like:
"Anna, you don't deserve to eat that."
"I know you love baking and family, but you have no business holding a "cookie frenzy" baking party with your family."
"If you do xyz then next year can have fun."
"Sleeping in is plain laziness."
"You are not being a good wife when you are worried about so much."What am I going to do to get my head straight? I don't know. I am torn between letting myself off the hook this time and kicking myself in the hiney for failing.
I have been contemplating what would I tell my friend, if she were in my situation and having this struggle. I would want her to be kind to herself. She is emotionally battered right now and adding this kind of stress and guilt has no value. The important thing is to be aware of current issues, but not give up and realize she will get through this like she has gotten through all the battles in the past. Maybe there will be a few extra pounds, but that does not negate her overall successes or make her a bad person. A setback is not failure. And dismissing all those negative thoughts will allow her an opportunity for hope to grow again.