For the millionth time I am asking myself...what am I doing? Every day I tell myself that I have this and I getting back on track. By the end of the day it is obvious I did not get back on track. I have moments I am proud of, but they are buried by the not so proud moments.
I am afraid of gaining back all that I lost last year. After the miscarriage, I seemed to instantly gain about 17 pounds. I believe that much of that was a hormonal reaction, but it is super discouraging. Since that initial gain I have been fluctuating between the same 3 pounds. And I can't seem to make any progress on re-losing the 17.
I started a Biggest Loser type challenge a couple weeks ago. My main goal is just to keep myself from letting go of the trying. I didn't have a goal of actually losing significant weight during this challenge. As of last week, I have lost about 2.5 pounds. But, if I go to the weigh-in tomorrow I believe I will have gained most of that again. Grr!
As I have mentioned, we are still trying to conceive again. Therefore, I am concerned about going full on weigh-loss mode. I don't want to put my body under additional stress. If I am not pregnant by mid-March (tick, tock) I will have to move on and restart my Multiple Sclerosis medication. Obviously, I want to be pregnant and have a healthy baby, but if that is not going to happen I just want (need) to move on. My goal of just trying to get through this time without gaining more is wearing thin. I want to lose this extra I picked up and get back to "losing my puppy."
I see the words I am writing and they look like excuses. I know there are so many things I could be doing while trying to conceive, but the truth is I don't seem to want to. I don't want to do strenuous exercise that I think might be harmful if I get pregnant - so I do nothing. I don't want to stress over what I eat and don't eat. - so I eat whatever (and feel bad later). I feel like I am stuck in a vicious cycle until the "baby issue" is resolved one way or the other.
Another new month starts in a few days and I am considering some type of goal for February. I need something I can focus on and feel semi-confident that I can achieve to help me through the conception waiting game. I would appreciate any suggestions of what I could focus on to help me through it on a more positive note. Someone in our accountability group is giving up all added sugar in February. There is something I like about that idea because my sweet tooth has been raging since Christmas. Taming it could go a long way toward getting back on track.
I tend to do better giving up something completely for a finite amount of time. That is how I kicked my soda habit - the goal was to not drink any soda for one year. By the time I did that my desire for soda had diminished to such a degree I can now drink soda occasionally and I have no fear of it taking over again.
I do plan to work on my walking again. This winter has not been as brutal as anticipated so there is no real reason I can't be out there logging some miles at a less strenuous pace.
I don't want this blog to become a journal of excuses and disappointment, but I felt that I need to share this part of the journey as well. If you have been at this for any length of time, you know it is just plain hard. I may waver in my execution of the plan, but there is still a plan. At the moment, I am most proud of myself for not giving up.
I am definitely proud of you too! I can only imagine all the emotions you are going through! I think just finding one specific thing to focus on is a good idea as well. You know we are here for you if you need us! ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteThank you!. Our group is awesome - I so appreciate being a part of it :)
DeleteYou should be proud of yourself!! Weight loss is not easy because, well, we have to eat. The fact that you are hanging in there, setting goals for yourself, and TRYING is definitely something to celebrate. I am a goal setter too...I love a challenge, but do better when there is a structured beginning and end. I love lists too...they make me happy. At the beginning of this month, I accepted a challenge that built up every week. The "Healthy Habit" Challenge suggested picking four goals (I did: track my steps, track my weight watcher points, drink more water, and get enough sleep). Week 1...do your first goal, Week 2...do your first and second goal, Week 3...your 1st, 2nd, and 3rd and so on. I had a checklist that I checked off every day and it kept me motivated through the month. None of them were overwhelming...all of them were things that I don't always do consistently. I don't know if something like this would interest you, but with a new month just around the corner, I thought I'd throw it out there! Whatever you choose to do...Stay positive and be kind to yourself, you are worth it :) Ps...sorry this is so long!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Deb. I do like the way that challenge builds up by adding more habits. More than anything I know I need to track my food, but that is the hardest to make myself do :)
DeleteOh my dear, I don't think any of those things are excuses. Depression and anxiety are things that can derail us, and God knows you have plenty of reason to have both. I think you need to not put label on your feelings. They aren't bad or excuses, they just are what they are. They are legitimate feelings. What do you feel is the thing that derails you the most? For me it was resentment over giving up things I didn't want to give up, or forcing myself to try to do things I hated and then feeling like a failure when I inevitably couldn't stick with whatever the exercise/diet was. It took a long time to discover and course correct that. When I did and let go of my anger and stress, the weight started flying off. Overall you should be less hard on yourself. I am sure there is at least one thing a day you do that you should be proud of that's good for your health. Maybe have a "just for today" goal every day that you can check off and feel good about. *hugs!*
ReplyDeleteI would probably agree with you. I do resent having to give up things that I see others enjoying. I don't want to feel guilty all the time. Thank you for your thoughtful comments.
DeleteAnna - thanks so much for the sweet comment on blog! I agree that depression and anxiety are big ole problems when it comes to weight loss. I think you are moving in the right direction to think about giving up added sugar and trying to move more. I doubt any OB would tell you it wouldn't be helpful during pregnancy to cut back on sugar so you should be safe with that one! Good luck and I'll be following your blog and will do my best to cheer you on!
ReplyDeleteYes, I am sure I would be safe to give up sugar...if only it weren't so hard :) Congratulations on your new blog - it is an adventure!
DeleteI have absolutely no advice, but wanted to say how I think your accomplishments thus far in the journey are already so fantastic. You have lost some significant lbs and your activity has increased quite a bit. Being off your medication you probably don't feel like you're at your best right now, and still you are persisting toward reaching your goals. You are dealing with so much. Please do not be so hard on yourself! I don't know if it will help, but the only thing that works for me is tracking my food. I could set a million other goals, but for me, my weight seems to be solely dependent on how much food I eat. If I track it, I see it. If I see it, I own it. If I own it, I want to do it well. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteYes, I think tracking is the key - finding the will to do it everyday is tough. Thank you for your encouragement :)
DeleteThe negative is a part of your journey as well and if blogging helps you to cope then you need to do it. It's not excuses, it's you baring your soul and letting everyone know, "Hey I'm not perfect!" I have been struggling with my weight loss as well and I think for many people it will continue to be a struggle for a very long time but you are strong and this post proves that.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Felicia. Part of me hopes that by being honest it could encourage others to get through their rough parts too. It isn't all fantastic workouts and super healthy meals/snacks every day.
DeleteDitto what all the PP said. I don't see excuses, I see a woman on a journey who was hit with a blow and is having a rough time coming back from it. And that is 100% ok. There is no time frame for things like that. BReak your goals down even smaller. Try no chocolate (like our Halloween challenge) for a week. Or no snacking after 6PM, some tiny goal that you can whip butt at. Focus on that, then maybe add a bigger goal. You will find your center and balance again. It may take time, but it will happen.
ReplyDeleteRemember, the car might be rolling backwards, but it isn't back at the bottom of the hill. You'll keep pushing it back to the top!
Thanks Meg. I need a good strong dose of the "hand." And if you stop pushing you know it is just going to roll over top of you - yikes!
DeleteIt sounds like you have a lot of stressors in your life which are making it hard to focus on the weight loss - that's all very understandable and don't sound like excuses to me! Maybe instead of focusing on your long term goals, which I think can contribute to the stress, try breaking your big goal into a small weekly or even daily goal. Less pressure and it give you more "power" over what's going on! Keep up the good work - you can do this!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Heather! It is definitely a tough time in our life, but I don't want it to define me or this journey. Thank you for the encouraging words.
DeleteHugs from me! It's really hard to start anything and I think you are doing wonderfully considering the outside stressors you have. Try to just focus on the little things each day (like giving up sweets). Eventually it snowballs. I can't say much else other than if the ability to conceive was based on merit, you two would already be blessed. Unfortunately life is not always fair. Thinking super positive thoughts for you guys though!
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