The past few posts have been a photo bonanza and kind of light on the weight-loss journey talk. The photography makes my happy - the weight loss journey, not so much. Today, I am treating you to a picture free post that describes what is rattling around in my brain. You will read about plans, excuses, disappointment, hope, etc.
For the millionth time I am asking myself...what am I doing? Every day I tell myself that I have this and I getting back on track. By the end of the day it is obvious I did not get back on track. I have moments I am proud of, but they are buried by the not so proud moments.
I am afraid of gaining back all that I lost last year. After the miscarriage, I seemed to instantly gain about 17 pounds. I believe that much of that was a hormonal reaction, but it is super discouraging. Since that initial gain I have been fluctuating between the same 3 pounds. And I can't seem to make any progress on re-losing the 17.
I started a Biggest Loser type challenge a couple weeks ago. My main goal is just to keep myself from letting go of the trying. I didn't have a goal of actually losing significant weight during this challenge. As of last week, I have lost about 2.5 pounds. But, if I go to the weigh-in tomorrow I believe I will have gained most of that again. Grr!
As I have mentioned, we are still trying to conceive again. Therefore, I am concerned about going full on weigh-loss mode. I don't want to put my body under additional stress. If I am not pregnant by mid-March (tick, tock) I will have to move on and restart my Multiple Sclerosis medication. Obviously, I want to be pregnant and have a healthy baby, but if that is not going to happen I just want (need) to move on. My goal of just trying to get through this time without gaining more is wearing thin. I want to lose this extra I picked up and get back to "losing my puppy."
I see the words I am writing and they look like excuses. I know there are so many things I could be doing while trying to conceive, but the truth is I don't seem to want to. I don't want to do strenuous exercise that I think might be harmful if I get pregnant - so I do nothing. I don't want to stress over what I eat and don't eat. - so I eat whatever (and feel bad later). I feel like I am stuck in a vicious cycle until the "baby issue" is resolved one way or the other.
Another new month starts in a few days and I am considering some type of goal for February. I need something I can focus on and feel semi-confident that I can achieve to help me through the conception waiting game. I would appreciate any suggestions of what I could focus on to help me through it on a more positive note. Someone in our accountability group is giving up all added sugar in February. There is something I like about that idea because my sweet tooth has been raging since Christmas. Taming it could go a long way toward getting back on track.
I tend to do better giving up something completely for a finite amount of time. That is how I kicked my soda habit - the goal was to not drink any soda for one year. By the time I did that my desire for soda had diminished to such a degree I can now drink soda occasionally and I have no fear of it taking over again.
I do plan to work on my walking again. This winter has not been as brutal as anticipated so there is no real reason I can't be out there logging some miles at a less strenuous pace.
I don't want this blog to become a journal of excuses and disappointment, but I felt that I need to share this part of the journey as well. If you have been at this for any length of time, you know it is just plain hard. I may waver in my execution of the plan, but there is still a plan. At the moment, I am most proud of myself for not giving up.