Thursday, November 19, 2015

Legacy

Thank you for all your kind remarks on yesterday's post. It was definitely a tough day, but I tried to make it relaxed yet productive. In the morning I got some important errands done - accomplishments always make me feel good. (Am I the only one who cleans house or organizes a closet then keeps stepping back into the room to admire it one more time?) In the afternoon, I spent some time sewing and organizing my craft room, while watching a Hallmark Christmas movie. Unfortunately, I had to abandon the movie, it was just too painful to watch with its horrendous dialog, annoying characters and the plot, ugh...Rodeo and Juliet...need I say more?

The highlight of the day was no doubt the barrage of messages I received in the morning from my Losing It Ladies. Their words were so kind and their actions even kinder. They told of donations they were making in memory of our sweet lost little one. Everything from buying strangers coffee at Starbucks & Panera, to taking tennis balls to all the dogs in the dog park, donations to the humane society and March of Dimes. I shared the messages with my husband - we were deeply touched by the generosity. We are truly grateful to call you friends.

We never really did anything to memorialize our loss. I have thought of a million things, but it never seems quite right or enough.What I have ultimately decided is that I need to find a way to not let this tragedy permanently derail my life. I don't want to be defined by letting this be a reason to give up. In the past year, I have gained 45 pounds - all that I had previously lost and a bit more. I am so ashamed I let that happen. But I don't have to let that be my baby's legacy. I can't let that happen. Therefore, there will be changes. And one of the biggest changes has to be my mindset.

I have been reading several great blogs lately, but one in particular has been hitting home on several levels. Christina at Love Yourself Healthy has some fantastic insights that have truly resonated with me. She has written very candidly about the work she has done and how it has impacted her overall health - physical and emotional (we all know you can't separate the two).

I recently read a post that I can't get out of my head. I am kicking myself for not writing down so I could go back and properly reference it. I was able to confirm it was a post written by another one of my favorite bloggers, Jessica at Little More Each Day. However, we couldn't find the exact post and she didn't remember exactly where she heard it previously. So anyway, what I took from that is you don't need to let your "mistakes" define your path. Every time you are faced with a new choice you are free to choose the best option. When you make a mistake plan to make the "next best choice". This is something I am starting to incorporate and I feel good about where it could take me. My path is not an all or nothing deal and the sooner I can make that my default thought process the better :)

Changing my mindset is a process I am going to embrace. I know there will be many different layers to work through and there will be some rocky patches, but I want my baby's legacy to be that she/he made their mother a better person.

I think I forgot to update after my MRI. The MRI results were not my best to date, but still not too bad. The brain remains the same and the lesion on my spinal cord has increased slightly.  It is the first time since I was diagnosed in 2008 that there has been a noticeable change. I admit I was thrown for a loop by that change. The doctor concluded it was a result of being off my medicine for about a year for the baby situation. Good news is that the change is very slight and I am back on the medicine. As the neurologist said..."lots of people would love to have your MRI results."

I had hoped to switch to one of the new oral MS medications. However, due to some unsettling side effects (rare but possibly fatal brain infection - yikes!) we decided that I would tough out the injections, until there is more data on the oral meds. If my condition were more unstable, we may have tried a new medication but for now (thankfully) my condition does not warrant the risk.

Prior to this appointment I was really struggling with consistency on the medicine - I hate the injections and once you are off them awhile it is easy to be more lax.  I think I started to believe that my condition was in a permanent holding pattern and maybe the medicine had no real effect. Turns out I was wrong and that was a bitter pill to swallow.

Earlier this week I was in our main office, which is located in the county administration building. The hallways were decorated with posters from a contest sponsored by the state's attorney's office. I didn't have time to check them all out, but this one caught my eye.  So many things to love about it besides the obvious anti-drug message. She is a real girl holding tight to her heart. Love her blue eyes and glasses. And the hair coming down over one eye is perfect. Be yourself and protect that heart :)
A one-picture-post!  I am sure that won't happen again any time soon :)

4 comments:

  1. Lovely post, and your idea to have your baby's legacy be that he/she helped you become a better person is just absolutely perfect.

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