Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Time is Up

And so it ends.  Our time is up and I am not pregnant. I will be restarting my MS medication this month. I am trying to find a way to put a positive spin on this whole episode of my life. So far, it is not coming to me how to do that. We did our best, but for now it feels like ultimate failure and it seems I am left worse for the wear.

This time last year I had come to terms with the fact that I missed out on having a child. I had married later in life (42 on our wedding day). I had been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 3 years prior to getting married. The medication I was taking was given with the warning not to get pregnant and with the understanding that I would be on that medication forever. At the time, it was not an issue. I hadn't even met my future husband and frankly, I had pretty much given up that I ever would. About a year after I started the medication my initial neurologist left the practice and I was assigned to a new doctor. When I met and married my husband, my new doctor and I never discussed children. I already knew "what I needed to know" from the first doctor - medication equaled no babies. Fast forward to last spring. My doctor and I were discussing changing my medication. New oral medications are available and I would love to be finished with every other day injections. The medication she preferred would only be an option if there was no chance of pregnancy (i.e. menopause or sterilization). That lead to a discussion about my current medication and the fact that it could actually be suspended for a short time to attempt to start a family. We were stunned.

Once we got over the initial shock, we decided we would try despite the odds. When we first started trying there was a significant part of me that didn't even believe that it was possible at my age. Then when I became pregnant in the second month it seemed so easy.  Little did I know.

After our loss we decided to try again. Even though I knew I was not emotionally ready, we had to start again right away due to the time limits of being off my medication. Of course, one baby can't replace another baby, but in my head I hoped the joy of having a baby to hold would ease the pain of losing the one I would never hold. And now that our time is over, I am struggling again with that loss. I am acutely aware of where I would have been in the pregnancy. Names we liked float around in my head, I think about how we would have been preparing for an arrival. I dread the due date I was given. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and beg for my baby back.

I think my frustration is compounded by the fact that I know now for sure  my body was capable of conceiving at my age. The first hand knowledge that it was possible, gave me both confidence that we might actually have a chance to conceive a second time and greater heartbreak that we couldn't make it happen again. At various times in the past few months I have struggled with wishing I had never gotten pregnant to begin with thinking that it would be easier. Then I am flooded with guilt that if that were true I would actually be wishing away my baby. I believe that my baby was a baby from the moment it was conceived, but somehow it is hard to believe we were parents when my belly didn't swell, we didn't get to see his/her face on an ultrasound screen and worst of all, when we never held our baby. But until the moment when we lost our baby we were a family. Those were precious moments. I can't waste those moments of love and joy by wishing the whole experience away.

Looking back, I am angry that a doctor's miscommunication wasted valuable time. The odds of conceiving decrease dramatically with each passing year. Maybe trying sooner would have been what we needed to succeed. Maybe it would have not changed the outcome. We will never know.

During the past few months, I have hated how my body has changed. Weight I had recently lost has crept back. I have lost much of the overall fitness that I had worked hard to achieve. I am much closer to starting over than I had sworn I would ever be.

One never knows how life will turn out Though nothing can make up for what we have lost, I must force myself to remember I still have so much.  I have the love of family and friends for which I am very grateful. I have the unwavering love of my husband. We have faced this together and it has made our bond even stronger.

I still have the ability to lose my puppy.  That path has just become a little more winding and bumpy than I anticipated. I don't want to get stuck wailing, stamping my feet and licking my wounds. I have been working on a challenge for myself. I will post about it on Friday. I am excited to try some new things in my weight loss/fitness quest that I was not comfortable trying while we were still trying for a baby.

Writing this blog has been very helpful for me during this time. There were days I made myself do things simply so I would have something to blog about. In the end those things helped me to see positive moments and focus on them. Thank you for all the kind comments and encouragement you have given me in the past several months.

14 comments:

  1. I am so very sorry for you, Anna. My heart breaks for you and your husband. Fortunately and unfortunately, life moves on and you and your husband still have a lot to look forward to. Please don't take that to discount any of your experience. I just mean that you will feel joy again and be able to be happy and healthy. Nothing can replace the loss of a child. I feel like everything that I say is just going ot make it worse. I'll just end with the fact that you are extremely loved and supported. Let me know if you need anything at all. I'm only a short drive away *hugs*

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    1. We have been talking about some of those things we have to look forward to. Time to start the dream vacation fund :)

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  2. Oh Anna, I wish there was something I could say to help the pain you feel right now. You are such a lovely person, and it hurts me that you're hurting this badly. Please email me (or we can text/call) if you need to yell, cry, vent, etc. Seriously, anytime. I'm always here to listen ((hugs))

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    1. Thanks, Mary. You never know when I will pop up in your inbox with a crazy rant :)

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  3. My heart is breaking for you both. You are in my thoughts and sending you all the love I can muster. (((HUGS))) to you my friend. Please let us know if you need to scream, cry, vent, yell. We are here for you.

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    1. Thanks, Desiree. I really appreciate all your support and how you have really kept our "losing it" group going with all your daily quotes :)

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  4. We are all here for you no matter what. Hugs to you, my dear friend!

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    1. Thank you, Meg. Hopefully the upcoming "no matter what" is going to be some good progress on those fitness goals.

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  5. Sometimes there are no words, there are only thoughts of hope and comfort. In this moment, I have LOTS of those for you. xox

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  6. I'm so sorry for your losses Anna! You're in my thoughts. Sending an internet ((((hug)))).

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  7. Hey, I'm late to all of this, but I'm so sorry. Does your time really have to be up? (I know a ton about MS, because my mom has been diagnosed with a pretty severe case since I was 17 and I'm involved with a lot of it with her. Doesn't make me an expert, but I have also realized that those medication recommendations can be pushed and stretched and such too. Especially if you communicate your desire for a family to the doctor. I just wonder if there is really no way?)

    No matter what, I'm sorry this was so hard. *hugs*

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    1. We have definitely communicated with my doctor and have certainly stretched her recommendations. Sure we might be able to keep stretching, but given my age and the miscarriage our chances of success were already quite questionable. Sorry to hear your mom is dealing with MS - it is a tricky thing with so many variations. I am currently doing well, but we all know how quickly that can change. We ultimately decided it wouldn't be worth the potential risk to my health to further pursue something with such low chances of success. It is definitely a rough patch for us, but I think we gave it a good go and moving on is the healthiest option.

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